


Trivial Fursuits

by alwaysUncertainouo



Series: Faerytailstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, No-game AU, faerytailstuck, headcanon Alternia, headcanons, misleading summary, mythical creatures, not Earth, primitive-to-no technology, quadrant shenanigans, soooo many headcanons, that -stuck isnt taken!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-21 06:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysUncertainouo/pseuds/alwaysUncertainouo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Right in the middle of her annual migration, Rose is interrupted by a pair of oddly colored swimmy-people with dim clothes and bright protrusions.</p><p>((CURRENT AGENDA: Rewriting main story, "Trivial Fursuits"))</p><p>-Inspired by Mertailor(tm)’s mermaid fin designs, Tortugastuck, and Unwanted Free Ugly Troll-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PSYCHE!

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Unwanted Free Ugly Troll](https://archiveofourown.org/works/477092) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> there are more inspirations for this work than only Unwanted Free Ugly Troll, but i am unable to list them officially at this time due to faulty memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> upon reviewing this story i have decided to COMPLETELY REWRITE IT because the last version of it was complete SHIT oh my GOD i have found SO MANY better ways to word things and all around NOT be a total dipshit!
> 
> so please enjoy this NEW version of the real summary - now virtually spoiler-free! or as free as a summary can be, haha.

Real Summary:

In a timeline where SBURB and SGRUB and even the entirety of the game seem to be nonexistent, the kids are born - yes, actually born! - and grow up on an unnamed planet as different species of mythical creature - the stuff of fairy tales! 

The trolls haven't changed much though - aside from a few minor details: Tavros is fine, no one is godtier, and none of them have even heard the word "human." When the twelve arrive safely on their mission's designated planet, however, they find a terrible surprise waiting for them. Not to mention that Rose is the only one making _any_ kind of sense.


	2. Dispatch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been COMPLETELY REWRITTEN!! there are many changes - like the interaction between all the characters when they meet up ACTUALLY HAPPENS!! 2spoopy, right?
> 
> anyway please enjoy the newer version of chapter one!

In their entire time of knowing him, none of his "chums," or whatever the hell you’d call them, would ever think to describe their spectrum-androgynous leader as a “patient troll.” He yelled, typed long rants in all caps, and cursed the most out of any of them on his _good_ days, as few as those were. Until they all met in real life, actually, that was pretty much _all_ they knew about him, besides his obsessive love of romcoms and his iffy relationship advice.

The short, nub-horned, silent maroonblood hiding in his folding presentation-room seat was so unexpected, the only person who actually believes he _is_ Karkat Vantas, even now, is his juggalo moirail.

Vriska is scowling, arms crossed. The silent wimp in front of her can't _possibly_ be their "fearless leader!" Lying is one thing, but this is just an insult to her intelligence. "I _refuse_ to believe it! This squirt can _not_ be Karkat Vantas, resident shoutpole! He can't! He's just some rustblood stalker who won't keep his nub-horns out of our hair!" The troll in question only raises one unimpressed eyebrow at her tirade. Vriska stomps her foot and growls at him.

Sollux sighs, brushing passed her to scoot down the row and sit on the other side of Gamzee. No way is he sitting in the middle of that argument; better to sit next to the violent indigoblooded juggalo who still suffers from random fits of withdrawl. He shuffles one seat further. "I don't know who he ith, Vrithka, and I don't care. It'th ath good a plathe ath any. But hey, maybe if you pout long enough he'll magically appear and eathe your worrieth." He falls into his chosen seat and expertly ignores her middle finger.

"I'd have thought you of _all_ trolls would be suspicious, _Thollux,_ since, y'know, it was _you_ the little creep waved to!" Vriska made an outraged sound before huffing and flipping her hair. "But fine, _fine!_ If you wanna sit next to him then go ahead! I won't be there to save you when he turns out to be a raving lunatic. Or maybe I will be there, and I'll just laugh at you! _All_ the way to your grave, where he'll feed you to his lusus!" She was practically hissing by the end of her rant.

"But Vriska, I thought that was _your_ routine as a lunatic! Have I been mislead all these sweeps? Were you just copying some other criminal's act? That's pretty low, even for you!"

Vriska turns to confront whatever idiot would insult her out loud - only to get hit in the face with their cane.

"FUCK! _Ow!"_ Vriska rubs at her nose, squinting through her skewed glasses. "Fuck, Terezi, that _fucking hurt!!"_

Terezi only grins, twirling her cane around before it dismounts onto the floor. Ten out of ten. The crowd cheers. Tavros watches from behind Terezi, hiding a snort behind his hand. He'd like to walk around her to see what Vriska had been shouting about... but Terezi had already shown her low tolerance for getting panned by his horns, so he waited impatiently.

Vriska pulled one hand away to inspect it; no blood. She glowered at the blind tealblood. "If you have _any_ sense at _all,_ Pyrope, you'll actually agree with me! Look at this pipsqueak - Gamzee claims he's Karkat Vantas, head of the Anger Parade, but I'm not buyin' it! He hasn't said one word since we met him. Not one! Does that sound like Karkat to you? No, you don't have to say anything, I know it doesn't. I'd like to blah blah blah blah..."

While Vriska continued her... "riveting" rant, Terezi turned to inspect the accused for herself. Er, inspect the _troll_ for herself. Unexpectedly she found Vriska wasn't just being a "huge bitch," a thought that dropped her smile; there really wasn't much to the maroonblood. Terezi could "see" Gamzee almost perfectly: face paint, polka dots, tall hons and the faded green teeth of a once sopor-addict that can never truly go back to white; but all she can really tell of the mystery troll is that he has tiny horns, wild hair, and is wearing a _lot_ of maroon clothing. How is he not sweating to death? She sniffed a little closer. Wait, that's.... she grinned widely.

"You know Vriska, I think you're right." Terezi said, cutting Vriska off mid-threat. Vriska moved to respond, prompting Terezi to interrupt again. _"If_ that's who you really are!"

Vriska spluttered indignantly, derailed by Terezi's accusation. Gamzee, Sollux, and "Karkat" weren't even paying attention anymore, but Tavros, being kind of forced to listen, suddenly didn't understand anything.

"Uh, Terezi? What do you mean by 'If' she's really Vriska? It's... kind of obvious. By how she talks." Tavros decided that was a very polite way of pointing out how bitchy the ceruleanblood was being, so he gave himself a little pat on the back.

Terezi only nodded. "Yes, you do have a point. Even if someone was only pretending to be Vriska, trying to trick us into a false sense of security only to string us up when our backs were turned, there's no way anyone could pull off... _'how she talks.'"_ The phrasing made her chuckle - Tavros could be so funny some times!

Vriska was fuming now, even visibly shaking with rage. "You-! That-! UGH! You're _insufferable,_ you hear me?!" She grabbed the sides of her head and started pacing in the small area of the aisle their group was occupying. "None of you simpletons can even grasp how _DANGEROUS_ this is!! We don't know who is who; there are adults _everywhere,_ I saw them when we came in; I can't even _see_ the exits anymore through all these fucking _losers_ crowding around, making it impossible for me to figure out if _ANY_ of my escape plans are going to work-!"

"Escape plans?" Terezi laughed, holding her stomach and bending over for effect. "You came up with escape plans? This isn't Battle Theater where lowbloods fight to the death, Serket, its just some boring debrief assembly for new adults." Terezi threw an arm around Vriska's shoulders, "accidentally" shoving the top of her cane in Vriska's face, and waving the other arm outwards as if in wonder. "We'll listen to some old geezer talk about his glory days for a few hours, and at the end we'll all be shoved outside and shipped off-world, where we'll all start new lives as different levels of canon fodder!"

That pulled a snort out of Sollux, but "Karkat" continued to ignore them; leaning against Gamzee he might have even been asleep, it was hard to tell through the thick sweater. Tavros took advantage of Terezi and Vriska's bickering to squeeze quickly into the row and scoot to the seat next to Gamzee. He breathed a sigh of relief, then began apologizing when his horn knocked into Gamzee's shoulder. Gamzee just smiled in response and shook his head slowly, telling Tavros there was no harm done. Terezi and Vriska continued their banter, with Vriska unsuccessfully trying to get out of Terezi's headlock without exposing her strife deck to the masses, until Terezi suddenly stopped and dropped Vriska like a rock.

"Hey!" Terezi exclaimed, raising a hand to her eyes and pretending to scan the crowd. "Who approaches the cave of the ancient and powerful Dragon? Reveal yourself!"

Just as Vriska moves to tackle Terezi to the floor, she's beaten to the punch by an excited green blur. Vriska double-takes. An excited green blur with the fat deposits of an experienced huntress.

"Purrezi!" The blur exclaims. "The mighty Huntpurress greets her old comrade with a friendly pounce! 'It is nice to finally meet you,' she roars!" 

Vriska's jaw drops; Sollux removes his shades and rubs at his eyes. There's no way-

"Nepeta?" Gamzee asks, blinking in confusion. He and Karkat are leaning over the back of their seats, staring at the new arrival in shock. "Leijon, izzat you?"

The "green blur" jumps off of Terezi and helps her up, smiling widely at all of them. Her short hair is mostly contained by the deep blue hat she's wearing, but it sticks out messily from the sides and around the holes for her horns. Combine that tousled hair with her open trench coat and fitted shirt... closely fitted...

"Hi guys! Hi Tavros!" Nepeta waves at the bronzeblood, very excited to see all of them. Tavros waves back happily, not surprised at all; they'd FLARP-ed together, after all. "I'm so excited! We're all here! Or, well, we're going to be. You're so easy to find, Purrezi and Vriskers are yowling so loud I could hear them from outside!"

Vriska makes a sound like a strangled cluckbeast before she starts pacing again, confusing Nepeta but making Terezi laugh again.

"You don't say?" Terezi jokes, adjusting her glasses. She leans on her cane. "Well, anyway, its good to see you too. Where's your sweatbeast moirail? I thought you said you two were going to meet up before Equius would 'let' you come to the debriefing?" 

Nepeta looks around as if just noticing he wasn't with her. Which she was. "He was with me when we came in... I could have sworn he was right behind me...?"

"I'm right- oomf!" Equius grunts as he falls through the bustling crowd, landing right in front of Nepeta. He leans up, looking cross eyed at his skewed sunglasses before speaking again. "I too could hear your argument, so I let Nepeta go ahead of me; I didn't want to break anyone's bones by pushing them too hard." He picks himself up and dusts himself off, allowing her to fix his delicate sunglasses. He turned to Terezi with a frown. "However, I must insist that you reign in your arguments with any of your superiors from now on. Even if they're only one caste above," He looked over to where Vriska was still pacing. "And completely unbearable." She flipped him off without breaking stride.

"Well, Zahhak, now that you and Nep are here maybe you can actually settle our little argument." They both looked at her questioningly. She pointed her cane to where Gamzee and Karkat were sitting, once again paying little to no attention. "Vriska The Paranoid has decided that Mr. Nub-Nubs here," She whacked at Karkat's closest horn, getting only an angry chirp and waving arms in response. "Isn't Karkat Vantas as he claims; I, on the other claw, believe the opposite! What do you guys think?"

Vriska shoves Terezi out of her way, knocking her into a random troll attempting to walk into their area of the aisle. "Before you say anything, just _look_ at him! He's meek! Quiet - hasn't said a single word since we found him! Terezi even hit him just now and he didn't even- OW!" She swings around, clutching the back of her head, to glare at Terezi. "Knock it off, damnit!!" Terezi grins in response. Vriska turns back to Equius and Nepeta. "See?! She sure _hits_ hard enough to get at least an 'ouch!' But _he_ barely made a sound! He _can't_ be Karkat Vantas; he's an imposter!" 

Nepeta gasps dramatically, but Equius only sighs. Instead of trying to sit in the same row he scoots into the next one up and sits behind Sollux, Nepeta following close behind to sit behind Tavros. When they are both sitting Equius finally gives them a tired response.

"I can excuse Terezi, given her disability, but if you had bothered to actually look at him, Vriska, you would easily know that he is, in fact, Karkat Vantas." Equius then faced the front to wait for the debriefing to start.

Vriska didn't like his answer at all, though. "What the hell do you mean, 'easily' tell?! I've never actually _seen_ him before - none of us have! So how is it so 'easy' for you to know its him, huh? Huh?"

Equius said nothing, but Nepeta grinned and pointed at the maroon lump leaning against Gamzee. "His sign is on his sleeves, dummy! And any kitten knows that if you fake that you get culled on sight! The Karkitty I know is such a mewler about that stuff, there's no way he'd wear a fake sign!"

"That just means the _real_ Karkat will be wearing his _real_ sign!" Vriska pressed, slamming into the seat next to Karkat and lifting up his sleeve to point at it. He hissed and glared at her indignantly. "That doesn't mean _this guy_ wouldn't wear a fake one to fool us!"

Out of nowhere Aradia plops down in the aisle seat next to Vriska, grabbing her jacket and yanking her backwards. Vriska only manages a yelp of "Hey?!" before Aradia's mobile is thrust into her face, the Trollian app open and displaying the latest group memo:

carcinoGeneticist [CG] 48 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board FRUIT FUCKING PARADE OR WHATEVER. 

CG: OKAY SO I GOT IN THE PRESENTATION ROOM AND WASN'T IMMEDIATELY KILLED! WE SHOULD THROW A FUCKING TWELFTH PERIGEE PARTY TO CELEBRATE THIS HOLYEST OF HOLY GOD DAMNED MIRACLES!

CG: NEVERMIND SOME BITCH JUST TOLD ME I CAN'T HAVE MY PDA IN HERE SO THIS MEMO IS POINTLESS, AS USUAL. I'LL SEE YOU SHIT MONGERS WHENEVER YOU GET HERE. I THINK I CAN EVEN SEE GAMZEE ALREADY.

CG ceased responding to memo. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] 40 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. 

CG: DON'T DO ANYTHING TO GET YOURSELVES KILLED OR I SWEAR TO GL'BGOLYB'S PANTSHITTINGLY HORRIBLE ASSHOLE THAT I WILL HUNT DOWN YOUR CORPSE AND PISS ON IT!!

CG ceased responding to memo. 

cuttlefishCuller [CC] 20 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. 

caligulasAquarium [CA] 20 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. 

CC: RUD---E!!!! >8( 

CA: wwhat the FUCK kar 

CC ceased responding to memo. 

CA: i mean cod damn

CA: anywway i couldnt talk her out of it so heads up fef is commin to the debrief

CA: though it looks like no ones gonna read this so itll be a surprise anywway

CA closed memo. 

Vriska read through the whole memo out of forced habit, bored out of her skull. "So?" She asked, shoving Aradia's arm down. "What does this have to do with anything I just said?"

Aradia rolled her eyes and captchalogued her mobile before anyone else noticed. She spoke her next sentence very slowly, as if to a grub. "If Karkat Vantas, the _only_ troll with the password to his trollian account, registered his sign with the troll at the door, then anyone else using his sign would be _unable_ to get into the building. Its that simple, Serket." Aradia shrugged and stood up, not wanting to sit next to Vriska any longer than necessary. She smiled sweetly down at Vriska before leaving the row. "If you still aren't smart enough to see it, though, I guess I shouldn't really expect you to!"

Vriska was so enraged she couldn't even move to strangle Aradia like she _so wanted to._ Terezi actually swore she "saw" smoke coming out of her ears! Aradia moved to the next row and sat beside Nepeta (behind Gamzee) and joined in the FLARP conversation Nepeta and Tavros were already having. Vriska finally managed an irrate huff before she spun around in her seat and crossed her arms, pouting quietly this time. Terezi, slightly relieved, took the seat right behind her; unable to drive for obvious reasons, Terezi had had to walk to the presentation building from her old - now empty - hive. Yesterday. So she could arrive on time. Needless to say she was actually thankful for the uncomfortable plastic seat.

"So Aradia," Tavros stage-whispered, "When did you get here?"

Aradia giggled at Tavros's attempt at secrecy - he still couldn't whisper - but indulged him by whispering in kind. "I actually got here an hour ago; I'd been sitting in the front, because of my eyesight, but when I heard Vriska and Terezi arguing about Karkat I decided to fight my way back up to watch." She ignored the way Equius shivered when she spoke.

"But then how did mew know about the memo?" Nepeta asked, referring to the no-electronics rule.

Aradia smirked. "I got worried when it sounded like they'd started hitting each other and decided to break the rule," They all ignored the way Equius choked at that. "So I could message them. I found Karkat's memo instead and the rest you pretty much already know!"

Now that Vriska had calmed down and Terezi had stopped antagonizing her, the atmosphere slowly calmed down. Of course one was completely relaxed; Vriska was right, after all, about being surrounded by strange trolls and monitored by adults from the shadows. At some point, though, they all managed to fall into a steady rhythm. Karkat wasn't actually mute - they found that out when he whispered something to Gamzee and the highblood laughed. Karkat just as quietly explained to Vriska that Nepeta had been right: in no uncertain terms was he going to get himself culled just for shouting the wrong expletive at the wrong person. She didn't like the answer, but after being re-treated to the silent treatment Vriska had to accept it as the only one she was going to get. Terezi distracted her soon anyway, pulling on her horn and pointing out a _truly_ unfortunate looking yellowblood. Soon they were making just as much noise as before, albeit for less violent reasons. Ten minutes later their loud cackling allowed Eridan to find them, where he sat in the aisle seat next to Terezi.

"Royal bloods don't 'scoot,'" Was all he said after Vriska told him to pick a different seat; Terezi had been hitting him with her can every time she moved her arm to point, of _course_ he was going to complain!

It wasn't long before the rest of the presentation room crowd started to settle, everyone starting to find the "right seat" for them or thier party. It was obvious to the group that they were a bit different than the other trolls: most everyone else sat where they could see the easiest - with lowbloods in front at the bottom and highbloods up top in the back - and none of the other groups were farther than one caste from the rest, but their group had ended up right in the middle and ranged from one end of the spectrum to the other. Eventually Kanaya spotted Eridan's violet cape in the sea of olive- and jadebloods and made her way over from one of the outer sections, fully rounding out their color group. She deigned to scoot into the seat behind Karkat, and was quickly filled in on the points she'd missed by Nepeta and Aradia - now they were just waiting for Feferi. It was three already hours after Vriska and Sollux found Karkat; after another hour of waiting the group was starting to get antsy about Feferi, who had yet to show up with only a few minutes left before the debriefing is supposed to begin. Even Gamzee was on edge, the absence of even one friend stirring up his instincts this close to the deadline. There was also no question of whether the staff would delay it for her; all the adults were cerulean- or bluebloods, meaning the Empress, Her Imperious Condescension. _almost_ favored them, which meant all of them had something big to gain if they managed to turn the Heiress over to her.

Finally, right after the ceiling lights dimmed; just as Eridan and Gamzee were ready to jump out of their seats (with different means to the same end, of course), Feferi slid none-too-gracefully into the aisle seat next to Vriska. Feferi was breathing heavily and covered in sweat - no, its just sea water. She only managed to explain that she'd had to speed-swim for almost half the trip to avoid assailants before the spotting lights turned on and an adult blueblood walked onto the stage. There was confused murmuring through the crowd; this adult wasn't old, he was almost young and super fit; he's such a high caste, no way is he giving the first speech, they save the exciting ones for last; where were the other adults; he has an amplificator, is he really the one giving the first presentation?

The adult on stage was male, obvious to even Aradia despite her distance from the stage; no female troll would allow herself to get _that_ buff if she was high enough that the Empress might see her. He wasn't mishapen (undoubtably for the same reason), but he did have a weird "unreal" feeling to him. He was dressed as casually as any of the new adults were, his squiggly sign displayed proudly in the middle of his chest. At their distance Karkat, Aradia, Tavros and even Sollux weren't really able to _see_ the man's sign, but they could tell it was some squiggly shape. Karkat asked Gamzee what it was, in case they needed to know it later; Gamzee lazily replied, "Vesta," and assured him that they'd probably never even see him again after this. There was a thunking noise over the amplification system; they turned back to the stage and found the Vesta-signed troll thumping on the amplificator.

"Is this fuCKING WORKing now, god- fuck-... Okay, damn, finally. This shit is so primitive..." The troll held the amplificator awkwardly, as if he'd never had to before. Looking that much like a proper soldier, he probably hadn't. He looked out over the audience. "What the hell...?" It sounds like he didn't like what he saw. "These are the fucking half-wits we're shooting into Subspace?!"

That got everyone's attention. Terezi and Vriska's faces fell; Sollux sat straight in his seat. Going off-world was one thing: you warped around, followed the fleet, trolls like Sollux and Aradia got plugged into ships to power them for life, you destroyed a few planets and then finally retired at death. "Space" was a warzone; _"Subspace"_ was a hysteric nightmare of "what ifs" and "what the fucks," coupled nicely with "I'm so far from anything even _considered_ 'Space' that I might as well have just shoved my head up the universe's ass and out it's mouth!" No one ever returned from Subspace - the only troll to ever even _make contact_ through Subspace is Her Imperious Condescension herself, and its rumored that that's only because her ship moves so fast it _skipped_ Subspace altogether and just popped out on the other side of the universe. The "murmuring crowd" was now the "worried masses," the presentation room filled with indecipherable frightened chatter. The Vesta-signed troll thumped roughly on the amplificator until everyone was quiet.

"All of you, shut the fuck up!" The troll's voice vibrated through the amplification system; Karkat could feel it down to his bones. "Yeah I get it, you all thought you were part of an "early shipment" off-world, right? That's what we told you? Well sorry to smash your flimsy fucking cocoons, but we lied! And just to drill in how hard we lied, I'll also tell you that right now every snot-nosed, sniveling wriggler that didn't make it into this presentation room on time is getting culled - as I SPEAK - by juggalos of all ranks! QUIET!" He shouted into the microphone when a few people started to scream. "This whole planet is getting purged of weak trolls as soon as the sun goes down tomorrow; the juggalos outside are just getting rid of the ones that were too stupid to make it in on time." The adult was grinning ear to ear. No one doubted that he was at least a laughsassin himself. "Now everyone here, _somehow,_ passed inspection, so instead of following procedure and putting all of you into the fleet Her Imperious Condescension has ordered you all here early so that I can tell you all the bad news! Yes, you morons, there is _more_ bad news!"

While the adult fiddled with a remote from his sylladex the crowd started murmuring again, worried outbursts about Subspace or frightened conjecture about the juggalos just outside the doors. Karkat - an unknowingly everyone else - subconsciously recounted all the members of their group, making sure everyone was still accounted for. Karkat sighed in relief just as a giant screen came down above the stage and all but one of the spotter lights turned off. The adult pressed a few buttons until a series of charts and graphs showed up on the projection screen. While most of the crowd reacted, including Feferi and Vriska, Karkat reflects that even if he were able to see them he doubts he could have made sense of them. Unfortunately, for everyone, Feferi was so stunned that she summarized the data out loud:

"Alternia! Its-!? We're sucking it dry!?!"

“This is the current state of our empire." The blueblood announced, silencing everyone. He grimaced. "I could explain every technical-bullshit schematic in the graphs, but instead here’s my prediction, in idiot’s terms, for our species if we don’t fix the problem _immediately:_ we'll probably over-populate until every troll starves to death."

When the crowd erupted it was significantly harder to shut them up than just pushing a button or speaking into the amplificator; chatter was one thing, but outright panic among trolls had mixed results depending on their caste. Feferi, highest of them all, had managed to stay silent, but its unclear whether it was for discretion or from horror. Vriska had started chirping and hissing; the head of the troll in front of her "suddenly" fell to the floor before Terezi could get a grip and start shooshing her. If Equius had had any presence of mind at all, he would have noticed the arm rest of his seat had been crushed by Nepeta, who was stiff as a board trying to control her instinct to flee. Sollux, at first glance, seemed annoyed with the noise; in reality, he'd gotten a headache from all the imminently-deceased screaming their heads off. The one having the hardest time, however, had to be the Vesta-signed troll, who still hadn't announced his title. He was yelling into the amplificator, yelling at the crowd, and even drew his strife weapon (a flaming club) to try and quiet them. Dozens of unfortunate trolls lay dead throughout the room, in their seats and in the aisles, by the time the adult managed to regain some semblance of order. “Fucking hell, you’re all wrigglers!" He was rubbing his eyes, scowling at the maroon and bronze blood that had splashed onto the stage. He was having an even harder time manipulating the amplificator correctly now, moving closer and farther away from his mouth as he tried to get it to work properly. "I still... should have...-ust killed all of you..."

They were all pretty sure they weren't supposed to hear that.

The adult sighed when he finally got the amplificator to work. “The Empress herself has ordered the immediate _dispatch_ of every troll starting at eight-sweeps-old into Subspace. While every ship in the fleet is staying with the Empress, _you’re_ all going to file into groups, exit the emergency doors, and sort yourselves into the tiny cargo ships out back to be launched one at a time. By Her orders, all of the ships have been programmed to make _no stops_ until they reach Subspace. She somehow had the idea that _some of you_ would try to disobey Her." His smirk was predatory, as if he could see exactly who was stupid enough to try and turn traitor. Karkat fiddled with his sweater.

The adult fiddled around with the remote for a few minutes before the next slide loaded.

There were now several more pictures on the screen, this time no graphs but plenty of tiny labels. Everyone started muttering, but for some reason everyone refused to tell the four lowerbloods what these labels said -- even after Aradia asked Feferi why she'd "clammed up."

“Every ship fits six adult trolls comfortably, but for sweeps now we’ve been cramming in as many as _twenty_ to conserve. For you puny shits, I’d bet we could fit at least that many, if not more.” He grinned, malicious and mirthful. There was now no doubt that this adult troll held a juggalo position. “Also on every ship: three _Matriorbs.”_ Kanaya gasped, along with many other jadebloods trying to blend in with the olivebloods. “Any group registered with a jadeblood, however, gets as many extra as we fuckin feel like assigning to them. They’re purpose is to care for Mothergrubs, they’re gonna _do their fuckin jobs."_ The blueblood glared at the middle sections, as if daring them to argue right now, just so he could have the pleasure of culling them himself.

When no jadebloods voiced any complaint the adult looked almost disappointed, but he moved on. “The only other things you start with are two sweeps of rations and a cargo bay stuffed with native plants and lusii, all in stasis. The rations are for eating -- if you run out of rations before you find a planet you'd better pick who gets to die first, because the stuff in cargo is for colonization _only._ And if I _still_ haven't made the point clear yet,” Karkat could just _feel_ the adult's pride in knowing he'd just caused the whole presentation room to shit out their own blood pushers. “The group you ship out with is going to fill every last one of your wimpy little quadrants, because wherever you little _fuckers_ land is gonna be populated entirely by **you**!”

Everyone was suddenly dead silent. When the adult's words fully sank in, there had been no other outbursts to compare it to; the entire room just _fucking exploded._


	3. Prof. J. English, Second Entry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is UNDER REVISION!! meaning I THREW MOST OF IT AWAY because most of it was ACTUAL SHIT! in addition to rewriting this chapter i have also CHANGED THE CONTENT TO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY - while the previous content WILL show up later in the story, it will not be in THIS chapter
> 
> the rewritten content IS up, HOWEVER there is also a PICTURE coming soon, detailing what the journal page actually looks like AS an old, beat-up journal page instead of whit text. this picture will be included as soon as i upload the corresponding chapter of "Journal of Prof. J. English, Master Hunter".
> 
> please enjoy this not-an-authors-note, ACTUAL chapter two!

Preparation, 31.412-10

Journal of English

This is going to sound daft. I’ll sound like a mad old codger to my own journal! But I can’t fight my desire! I’m going to go back to my youth. I can’t be anything like I used to, but... well, I don’t even know why, but it’s like i can FEEL myself want to do this! I won’t do anything stupid, I’ve learned too much for that when I was in my prime! I’ll start with ‘exploring’ the forest, right? I would have liked to start on the beach, seeing as it’s much safer with the other villagers near to lend a hand, but because this stroke of genius hit me in the Preparation season it would be too cold to do much of anything. Being old is difficult. It is difficult and nobody understands!

Either way I don’t really expect to find anything exciting this late in the turn. Only smaller creatures like mundane fauna and the occasional ghoul or blood-drinking sparrow live around here.

Prof. Jake English


	4. Loading Dock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been ACTUALLY WRITTEN since i wrote this train-wreck A/N forever ago. not rly much to say about the change since there wasn't REALLY a chapter here before. at all. because past me sucked major ass.
> 
> due to this chapter being edited IN REAL TIME as it is posted, first im posting the UNEDITED, UNREVISED verision, because for FUCKS SAKE YOU DESERVE THE CHAPTER AT THIS POINT holy SHIT im super sorry!
> 
> i hope you enjoy - if not the quality (or obvious lack of thesaurus) - then at least enjoy this as a really shitty teaser for what is going to happen in chapter three: Loading Dock

He didn’t tell them anything else. They didn’t know the troll’s title, his rank; they didn’t even know where he was stationed or what his job was. He just dropped the remote and walked off the stage, laughing uproariously until he was cut off by a slamming door in the back.

All hell broke loose when everyone snapped out of it. Screaming and yelling filled the air, trolls climbing over rows of seats and each other to find ones they were romantically involved with or at least knew to some extent already. Karkat didn’t bat an eye at their rioting- he grabbed Gamzee and Vriska, forced his way to the back wall through the panicky morons trying to kill themselves via being trampled, and immediately went back to wrangle the others out. He only stopped once his mental head-count came out even, everyone accounted for and in one piece. Then without a word he pulled out his phone and sent each of them a short text:

carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent a mass text. 

CG: IF YOU DON’T ALL HOLD ONTO SOME RANDOM APPENDAGE OF BOTH YOUR NEIGHBORS RIGHT NOW, THEN I SWEAR BY MY MIGHTY, OVERBEARING, ASSFUCKING DOUCHE CANOE OF A CUSTODIAN THAT I AM NOT FUCKING COMING BACK IN FOR YOU, AND I WILL LEAVE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU SHITHEADS BEHIND!

* * *

It took half an hour for all twelve of them to get outside, and who knows how long after it was going to take to find Feferi. According to Tavros she was hanging onto him and Nepeta until they reached the outside, when suddenly she was gone, no trace left and neither he nor Nepeta had seen which way she’d gone through the mass of trolls already outside. Karkat was livid. Even without any screaming or yelling, which it was obvious he wanted to do, his tense posture and gnashing teeth were proof enough. The rest of them managed to keep hold of each other while Karkat lead them through, avoiding adults and (to their horror) the drone that had "managed" to get through the block set up to keep them out of the area. It was almost artistic, even, the way he avoided it, passing by trolls who were too short to be considered anything more than six sweeps. He finally hit his breaking point and started yelling about getting lost without the building showing him left from right, shouting about the drone being too close near some seadwellers that were a little “green around the gills” if you looked close enough, and even pushing down obviously crippled lowbloods on "accident" when he "saw" the drone.

“Hey!! KARKAAAAT!!”

The group jostled to a halt, Karkat and everybody else’s heads swerving around to catch sight of Feferi over everyone else. Abandoning her post, Nepeta climbed up Equius's shoulders to look around and spotted the princess almost immediately.

“Karkitty! She’s ofur there!” She pointed her whole body to where the ships were, cringing at the sight of the adults literally cramming trolls six at a time into three-passenger lift mechanisms. “She’s standing next to one of the lifpurrs!”

The procession yanked to a quick start as Karkat rushed them(“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU PEIXES, I HAD GODDAMN PUSHER PALPITATIONS!!”), making a beeline for the direction Nepeta was pointing in. He looked back every few seconds, (“WHAT PART OF HOLD THE FUCK ON DID NOT REGISTER TO YOU?!!”) checking both to make sure they were still in the right direction and that the drone was far enough away for them to be making so much noise (“FEFERI YOU ARE SHITHIVE FUCKING MAGGOTS YOU USELESS EXCUSE FOR A SEATROLL! I AM ASHAMED TO EVEN BE FORCED TO UTTER THE SYLLABLES OF YOUR GODAMNED NAME!”).

When they reached her Feferi’s mouth was open and ready to argue; Karkat pushed her into the lifter before she could say anything. Vriska, Sollux, Eridan, and Gamzee followed close behind her before Karkat practically slammed the blue button, jerking the lifter into a fast upward motion.

“Get the FUCK on, WE’LL DISCUSS YOUR DEMOTION LATER!”

“Karcrab you asshole!” Feferi shouted, muffled by the others and the lift's increasing height.

Karkat didn’t press the yellow button until Sollux and Gamzee assured that neither Feferi nor Vriska were going to be on it on the way down, then shoved Terezi, Kanaya, Tavros, Equius and Nepeta into it, pulling Aradia off to the side. He pushed the button again, even harder than the first time, cracking the console's shell. He turned to the only other of the group not at least half way to the top.

“Aradia, I have a favor to ask.”

“Yes Karkat?” She asked, her face serious. Karkat’s eye twitched, but he ignored it; he'd never seen her so calm before.

“Do you think you could lift yourself up there?” He glanced up at the lifter, half way up. “The only reason you aren’t on that lift right now is because Zahhak is wide as hell.” Aradia smiled slowly, raising an eyebrow. Karkat’s suspicion returned.

“Right, because I don’t know exactly what you’re doing, not at all! Mr. Worrynubs McSacrifice!”

Karkat just stared at her.

“... That was a terrible nickname and you should feel terrible.” He bit out, checking up on the lifter. It made it to the top and the others were getting in the ship. “Just hurry- HEY!! PUT ME DOWN!!”

Instead of complying Aradia chose to stay silent. She hovered with him for a minute, waiting for the lifter to empty, before manipulating the whole mechanism away from the ship and flying both of them up to the door. Karkat snarled and struggled, but she’d been using her powers on living things for sweeps longer than he’d even known her so all he did was waste his own energy. He didn’t give up until the door sealed shut behind them, though, an event which shocked them both. Unless there were others on board from before they all got on, there were only twelve trolls on this ship; much less than the unnamed blueblood had told them to expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so even though i still have to go FULLY through and change everything, the content here has ACTUALLY ALREADY been revised a minimal amount.
> 
> read that.
> 
> its sickening.
> 
> and its actually BETTER than what i'd originally written last year.
> 
> i almost published-*vomiting noises* ugh its sick.


End file.
